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It is we sinful women
who are not awed by the grandeur of those who wear gowns
who don't sell out lives
who don't bow our heads
who don't fold our hands together.

It is we sinful women
while those who sell the harvests of our bodies
become exalted
become distinguished
become the just princes of the material world.

It is we sinful women
who come out raising the banner of truth
up against barricades of lies on the highways
who find stories of persecution piled on each threshold
who find the tongues which could speak have been severed.

It is we sinful women.
Now, even if the night gives chase
these eyes shall not be put out.
For the wall which has been razed
don't insist now in raising it again.

It is we sinful women
who are not awed by the grandeur of those who wear gowns
who don't sell out lives
who don't bow our heads
who don't fold our hands together.

-- Kishwar Naheed
a pakistani feminist who keeps getting censured by the government for obscenity

I'm all find with the ideal of the knight in shining armor thing as long as I get to ride by his side and join the adventure. I was never one who liked being a damsle in distress - which has made this whole thing harder. I don't want someone feel like they have to rescue me. I used to pretend I was She-ra from masters of the universe or I was Xena Warrior Princess. Anything but Rupunzel or Sleeping Beauty. But the reality is that there are no knights in shining armor and fairytales are meant to scare the crap out of little children...there are no happy endings. The little girl in me mourns over that

I've always wanted to use that word...Juxiposition. I'm not even sure if I'm using it right, I think I am. An unfortunate event of illness occured with one of my dear friends, Megan, that left us sitting in the ER for an ungodly amount of time waiting. If you want God to teach you patience or just how to wait - be specific and leave any possibility of sitting in the ER as an object lesson out. Anyway. Megan will be okay. that little rant had to do with where I was at the time I made a mental note on odd juxipositions.

Menonites.

There's a certain surrealness to them. Home made dresses, Amishlike in a lot of their ways but with celphones and high end sneakers. There were a few Menonites in the ER and I couldn't help watch them. It was just a very odd thing for me to see. Living in Pensacola you see them a lot but I just can't quite get over how a very old fashion, strick lifestyle finds itself mingling in with the modern. New Sketchers under a homemade, extremely modest dress. A Cingular Razor held next to ears and hair that's hidden underneath a bonnet. Juxiposition? Lack of sleep? Bored at work?

I spent dinner with my dad and step-mom argueing about weird thing...I don't know if I was doing any of the argueing. Just listening. My step-mom went on an outrage about me being in a figure drawing class. Yeah, it was ackward in the beinging but it's pretty professional and I'm not sure anymore of the "unethicalness of it." I don't think God sees anything wrong with me taking the class... if anything He's shown me the beauty I fail to see sometimes. The models are real people too interesting people, trying to pay for college. They're pretty modest outside of the job too. Drawing them....trying to reflect God's design...is that so wrong? It's not capturing a sexual act. There was a point were I'd agree with her but not so much anymore. Mom and I talked about it once.. she compared what I do in class to working in the medical field. " You see naked bodies all the time and they're just that to you... there's nothing sexual about it." was what she said. I could say to my step-mom that it's professional..but she'd say something to the effect that so is the pornography industry. Art and porn are not the same.

The whole time she was going on she kept saying how unchristian it was and how I should stand up for my rights as a christian student and say that I shouldn't have to take the class because I find it unethical and "not of god". Well.. I like the class. I think maybe God's teaching me a lot in that class. He shows me that woman were designed to be beautiful.. all of us...me. Men have a beauty in the mechanical quality of their build...a complicated, finely engineered machine (except for that one model who needs to do something other than play video games) from the bone structure up. It really impresses me...as fustrated as I get with the act of drawing. I'm somewhat surprised that the artist that believe that we were created by a god or God himself are in the minority. Anyway..is it really ungodly if God's working with it? I do know that it would be a bad witness for me to go out and be a nude model...not that I would anyway because I'm not that comfortable in my own skin.

Listening to her and then to some stuff dad's already been saying I had this overwhelming feeling that what they understand christianity to be exists in a man made box. Do you get what I'm say?

There was also this arguement between me and dad about what global warming is and if it's real. Yes and no. Global warming as it is taught in high schools, the news and withing the evolutionists club is not...but yes global warming trends do occur that cause abnormal weather patterns like a lot of hurricanes and weird winters, we might be in one now...it's a broken world trying it's job...seeking eqalibrium. It won't until Jesus does some redesigning. And I had to laugh at dad because here he is arguing with the environmental scientist who randomly keeps up on the subject via Alex or the journals that I get to shelve.

This is a stupid test...How the heck did it come up with this from my answers?
Your results:
You are An Expendable Character (Redshirt)

An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 85% Beverly Crusher 65% Geordi LaForge 65% Will Riker 60% Deanna Troi 55% Spock 54% Chekov 45% Mr. Scott 40% James T. Kirk (Captain) 35% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 35% Jean-Luc Picard 35% Worf 35% Uhura 30% Mr. Sulu 25% Data 22%

Since your accomplishments are seldom noticed, and you are rarely thought of, you are expendable. That doesn't mean your job isn't important but if you were in Star Trek you would be killed off in the first episode you appeared in.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz

Even when I was dating someone I didn't like valentines day. It's a hallmark scam. 13.7 billion dollars goes to the capitalistas on this day alone! But today was great! Today I felt loved and I'm running on a psycho sugar hi, and I got the sweetest email ever from a bigger anti-valentines day person than me. *warm fuzzies*
I must be special.

The hardest things. The things that make you wonder what being relational's really worth are the one's that either benefit you the greatest or hurt you the worst. There's never really an in between. I've come to believe that "intimacy" and "vulernability" are those two things.

I have yet to see the great benefits. I indulge myself in this ridiculous dream that if I open up to someone I really care deeply about that that person will respond in kind. I'm so wrong. I'm not sure why I do it. I'm not sure why I think it's worth it when all the signs are there. "WASTE OF YOUR TIME." The sign's often ignored and the stab in the heart is invariably the next thing to occur. My outer shell must look alright because no one seems to know. I'm laughing on the outside but I'm crying on the inside. My dreams don't come true, the people I chose to love reject me, and God doesn't hear my prayers.

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines intimate as being;

1. a; intrinsic, essential b; belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature.
2. marked by very close association, contact or familiarity.
3. a; marked by a warm friendship developing through long association b; suggesting informal warmth or privacy.
4. of a very personal or private nature.

How do you make a word not be what it means? How do you visually define a word to not mean itself anymore yet relay the message that it once did mean what it means? How does intimate become something else yet leave a traces of it's original meaning?

Intimate is a strong word for me. It's personal. It characterizes this one's deepest nature. I yern for very close associations, contacts or familiarities. I hunger for warm friendships that develop through long associations and that will last into the long future. It's reflective in my art..unconsiously. Intimacy scares the crap out of me. It requires a vunlerability to being hurt. Who wants that? Hurt, pain, disappointment. Who wants to be vulnerable...allowing a person to know the deepest nature of oneself and never getting the same in return, or worse, being shund and abused for it.
....sometimes I want to lock the doors and keep everyone out but I'm not so good at doing that.

Intimacy accumulates a lot of scars I think.

Who needs to speak? A person can comminicate ideas, emotions, whatever through music. Granted it helps if you have musical ability. If not you just have to talk I guess.
I have never heard such skill with an instrument. Chris Thiles uses the mandalin like a poet or narrator uses his (or her) voice. His body language and facial expressions were so vivid and connected to the music that was coming out of the little mandalin.
It inspires the dreamer mind of the artist. There was a deep understanding of what was going on between the artist on the stage and the artists in the audience. No biases here, all artists...we all use the dreamer mind. You knew where he was when his eyes unfocused because you've been there before. Eye contact kept him from getting lost in his playing and it kept him on track with his sets. Beautiful stuff.

Some find it great but I don't. i find it horribly dull. Work consists of me sitting at the information desk here at the library. That's it. That's all I do. Occationally someone comes and asks a question (normally a stupid question) and I answer it. Yup. I could be at a party now but I have to pay the bills so I sit here for 6 hours.